I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.