@crunchenhanced

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

@haleyyyy1711

Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.

@RightHandVAN

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

@John_M15

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

@longwall26

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

@KateWhineHall

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

@SvnSxty

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

@portmanteauface

[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old

40: WILL YOU MARRY ME