I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

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I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.


My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease


Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.


[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah


Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”


Me: But, the conditions are terrible..

CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.


*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords


Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.