I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM