Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
21: awesome bro, I got this
30: seriously? whatever
35: this is really getting old
40: WILL YOU MARRY ME