You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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So the ex texted me
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Friends that check up on you >