Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”