I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.