I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?