I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody