Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.
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ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
noah: two of every single species on earth
noah: and a boat to fit them all
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
noah: and all my friends are going to die
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean