@QueefTornado

I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.

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@imdaintyaf

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

@RodLacroix

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

@baronvonbike

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

@aimlessamers

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

@AnOrangeSNES

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

@MarfSalvador

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

@Vice_Queen

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

@jwilliamscomedy

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean