Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
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Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
<—- homeless romantic
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?