@Cryptoterra

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

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@Sassafrantz

Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.

@SpencerLenox

I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

@panmidwest

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

@SteveKoehler22

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages

@shariv67

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

@c_puzzler

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

@nbadag

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

@Divergentmama

Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned