I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
You Might Also Like
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like