@cervixsmash

I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries

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@papasuncle

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

@Jay1972Jay

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

@AudreyPorne

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

@iinkedZombie

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

@tamberinetango

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

@LittleMissZesty

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

@TheJasonMarcus

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

@BubblesnBooze

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

@HaliPhacks

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

@Velma_the_Funny

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.