[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
You Might Also Like
Can’t, holding a grudge
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.