I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
no regrets
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!