I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
For those that worship cheese..
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars