Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
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Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[1st day as undercover cop]
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else