I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

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*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”


When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’


Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.


I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?


Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.


guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!


Cop 1: Where did you come from?

Cop 2: Where did you go?

Cotton Eyed Joe: I want a lawyer.


Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect