I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
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*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
What the hell happened here.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Yes
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”