*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
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Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.
I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Cop 1: Where did you come from?
Cop 2: Where did you go?
Cotton Eyed Joe: I want a lawyer.
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect