I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?


Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…


Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!


You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.


Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.


I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.


By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.


A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets


If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people


me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you