@GinAndJif

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

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@gvicks

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

@BoogTweets

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

@dadjokehansolo

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

@ShootyDoody

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

@baycontaco

Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.

@LizHackett

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@morninggloria

A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets

@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you