I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”