I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying


ME: hey did u get my letter?


ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what


An idle mind is the Devil’s playground

Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit


ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son


My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5


Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?


My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.


Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.


People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”


There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.