I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.


If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.


Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.


The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.


I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.


[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags


The cab driver and I got into a fight over who was going to drive me home from the bar last night


I’m not attached.

Me writing to my crush: Dear Slim, I wrote you, but you still ain’t callin’


Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.


If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now