@NoogsCorner

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

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@Marlebean

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

@JumpingJesusH

If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.

@shot_of_cabo

Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.

@GoldenSpirals

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

@ComedicBust

I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

@TheWidowmakerX

The cab driver and I got into a fight over who was going to drive me home from the bar last night

@comes_night

I’m not attached.

Me writing to my crush: Dear Slim, I wrote you, but you still ain’t callin’

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

@CorkyKneivel

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now