I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Steam Forums
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.