Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.