Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.