I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Seas the day!!!!
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.