@WritePlay

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

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@ikpsgill1

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

@Beatonm5

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

@WheelTod

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

@sarcasticmommy4

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

@_NTFG_

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

@dad_on_my_feet

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

@SteveKoehler22

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

@kobychill

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

@Mister_Gravity

I’m usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I’ve just seen.

[hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]

@krishna_van

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.