I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

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My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…


Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.


[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating


MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.


I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.


*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’


The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.


This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…


THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy