23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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Me: I’m going to take a nap.
My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Been throwing away this piece of tape for the last 17 hours
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
*hands stranger a condom
S: I don’t need this
Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.