My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Why are they called Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy