I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Noted.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.