@FattMernandez

I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.

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@leechee420

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

@suzannemariedo

[funeral]

Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

@JohnLyonTweets

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

@kiebi

It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over

@jpeek01

Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs

@Julian_Deane

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

@Smooheed

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

@LoveNLunchmeat

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.