If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy