I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.

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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.



Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite


The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.


[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]


I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.


It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over


Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs


Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.


All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’


Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.