ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.
She was not happy.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.