@FattMernandez

I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.

You Might Also Like

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

@david8hughes

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

@Jandalize

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

@ByrdMan0914

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

@gruffybeard

Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.

@UnFitz

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

@SteveOHellNo

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone