I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Not my job 😂
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
had to make it
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.