I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
🙀🙀🙀😹
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.