@michaeldean0116

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

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@DanMentos

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

@Mom_Overboard

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

@Lazer_Cat_

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

@T_Bonezzz_

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

@KattsDogma

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

@DaddyJew

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

@danadonly

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

@Mr_Kapowski

“Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon”

Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?