@julieklausner

I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun

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@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@Lama911

Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

@AnkCoupleTO

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

@WheelTod

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

@mallelis

ovens are insane
“oh thats just my box of invisible fire i heat dead things in”

@comedyfish

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

@Gre_Gone

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

@Book_Krazy

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh