I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun

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The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.


[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?


[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*


Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.


LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack


Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF


If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?


I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time


The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons