The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons