I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Donkey Kong sommelier
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.