This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.
You Might Also Like
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club.
Who wants a cold one?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”