@JKickinit30

I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.

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@Sarcasticsapien

This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

@saidpac

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

@badteacher4u

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁

@daemonic3

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

@HomeProbably

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

@jonpinder3

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

@brendohare

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”