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Just say no
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..