(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed