I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
We need to put an American base on the sun
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger