I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[on my way back to the posting caves]
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop