I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying