$3 #books
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Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah