@Swishergirl24

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

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@Reverend_Scott

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

@EJGomez

this toddler on the bus said “the wheels on the bus go round & round” & this guy yelled back “no shit Sherlock” & I can’t stop clapping?

@Marlebean

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

@BillMc7

*goes on Facebook AGAIN*
*reads 100,000th idiotic post*
*thinks other people are stupid*

@sammylynn_

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

@DurtMcHurtt

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

@FunnyIsFamily

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

@Try2StopME

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

@WildeThingy

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

@TheDreamGhoul

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor