I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Oh deer
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.