@megankcomedy

I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing

You Might Also Like

@Ophoenix1

I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.

@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@OrangeFact

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

@Chumpstring

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

@JohnLyonTweets

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

@deegeemindi

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

@Fenyris

I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.

@LostFelicia

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

@jwoodham

Whenever you’re mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.