My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
my mind
You just read my mind
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”