I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
happy valentine’s day to me
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Not😆🤣
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
The internet is magic sometimes.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”