It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?
doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m wanted (wanted):
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Turns out buying that meth lab on craigslist was illegal
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late