I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.


Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away


I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.


[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?


My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪