Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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Real House Wines.
A tiny Tarzan swinging from your Tampon string.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away
I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪