I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*