“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I鈥橪L BE FINE
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can鈥檛 even trust myself anymore.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom鈥檚 bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (鉂わ笍) and I can do dinosaur (馃), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i鈥檒l be running to in a home invasion
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.