Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
You Might Also Like
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[Check engine light comes on]
Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.
Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.