@UncleDuke1969

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

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@lasergirl70

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

@3sunzzz

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

@Divergentmama

[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.

@SuperRandomish

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@ArfMeasures

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.