“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.



~me, drunk, at a wax museum


[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.


Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.


[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know


Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming


*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.