@UncleDuke1969

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

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@mastrap84

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

@pixelatedboat

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@HomeWithPeanut

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

@briancthayer

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

@ibid78

A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.

@kelkulus

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

@Mormonger

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL