I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
mood
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember