Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send