@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

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@DarzieDAMN

That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.

It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”

@Parkerlawyer

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

@mommajessiec

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

@MattMcC1

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

@LoveNLunchmeat

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@robdelaney

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

@osoplain

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today