Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I don’t have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I wonder if there’s a giant cucumber out there thinking about me too.