Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
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My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I bet birds love this building.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.