I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

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Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work


[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?


[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it


*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”


I don’t have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.


Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…


A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this


me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic