I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Breaking news:
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
it’s finally my moment to shine
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?