Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
You Might Also Like
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
of COURSE it was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US THE WHOLE TIME
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing