I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
wow
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*