I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.